A Sceptical Journey

I find myself, quite often, putting myself in a metaphorical box. I find myself building an imaginary wall, brick by brick. It is a process - perhaps the wrong one to be focusing on - but a process nonetheless. I can get an idea, a ‘creative spark’, and then I feel it leave me as quickly as it entered. I am forever grabbing my notebook, writing notes and ideas that I will possibly never revisit. There is a lot of words and a lot less action right now, it’s all-talk.

Over the last few months, I have started ideas and projects but then as time moves on – so do I. I move away from these ideas that I once thought “Yes! That’s the one!”. It is after this moment and this outburst of motivation when I begin to start constructing my metaphorical box, sometimes it even comes with an extra heavy lid.

It’s too different to my previous work!

No-one will understand what I’m trying to say..

I will confuse myself and others..

Will I be wasting my time?

What if I start this and can’t finish it?

The construction of these barriers comes from fear. I am talking about my experience of working as an artist but also, these obstacles can be erected within any situation in waking life. There has been so much negative energy around us over the last year – fear has engulfed us at some point, maybe even several times. We have become more sceptical, uncertain and worried. There is a lack of understanding and, my reader, god knows we need that now.

Over the last few months, I have lacked motivation on a new level. I am not working towards anything, there is no end goal and that is difficult for me. This is why I create new projects and come up with collaborative ideas because it keeps me grounded and encourages me to produce new work. Lately though, I can’t even find the motivation to do this and carry on with these projects. I have these small outbursts of inspiration where I send a few emails and apply for a few things. And then, I wait. I wait for some good news, hoping things will fall into place as I try to tell myself I have worked hard. Then I receive a few rejection emails – or worse – nothing at all.

I need to remind myself that this is all part of the journey.

Maybe, I should stop worrying about the end goal. Maybe, there doesn’t have to be one at all. Often, in my work, I talk about being ‘present’ but it feels almost hypocritical of me at this point as it is something I always forget to be. Life passes me by so quickly and my mind is so cluttered with worries that I miss the most important thing, the journey. That is what it is all about really, isn’t it?